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Recent loss

Ozzy recently passed away and I don’t quite believe it. Part of me honestly thought he’d be around forever. He was there from the very beginning. I met my now-husband, thought he was cute, and found out he had a family dog. And of course, I wanted to meet that dog. That dog was Ozzy. That must’ve been 14 years ago by now. I can’t believe all that time went in the blink of an eye. We are so different now, but Ozzy was a constant.

His death was beyond devastating. It marked the end of an era and made me panic about the passage of time. It also highlighted all our other losses of recent years, and made them hit harder. Joop, Freya, and even,

Piccalilli. Pickle died not that long ago too. If I remember correctly she had some sort of stroke. I just couldn’t believe that either. She was someone else who seemed like she’d be around forever. It’s hard to explain but there’s a noise in the background of the Garden Paws game that sounds like one of her strange vocalisations, with a bit of reverb on it. That’s going to be weird to hear the next time I play it.

 

Pickle died quite unexpectedly, even though we knew she was elderly. Unfortunately, we knew Ozzy was declining in advance. It was that horrible feeling I had with Freya that I never wanted to experience again. Counting down to death, feeling each second slip by, and knowing I was using them all wrong. I hate that we had to feel that again. Obviously I wished Ozzy could live for ever, but my more practical runner-up wish was that he could pass peacefully in his sleep after a normal day. His death would still have hurt, but we would have skipped the agonising anticipation. It really all sucks.

I’m honestly devastated that I couldn’t say goodbye to him. Our train station isn’t accessible, I can’t even get onto the platform, never mind on the train. Will did go to see him a couple of weeks before he died to say goodbye. I’m glad he got to do that, I just wish I could have been with him. 

 

I hope Pickle and Ozzybob know how loved they are. I hope they’re still around somewhere and that they get to meet Freya, Joop, Mopsy, and everyone else again.

 

We still get activity from Freya sometimes but it’s much less frequent. I think she knows what being a ghost is now. That we can’t see her most of the time. Sometimes I’ll be sitting in here minding my business and there’ll suddenly be the unmistakeable sound of the climbing up the sofa behind me and doing a huff. Sometimes we hear her running up the stairs out of the blue. I wish I could grab her and tell her I still love her, but that’s not how it works.

 

I think I’m ready to let another dog into my life, but there’s a lot to do first, and there’s still a lot of pain. 

💔

Letti
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