I’ve not been well for the past couple of nights and, as well as not being able to fall asleep, tonight I felt that I would soon be in need of the toilet for illness-related reasons. So I told Will I needed to get up for a while, and after finding my clothes I made my way out of the bedroom. We have a little battery-operated motion-sensor light in the hall now, which has done wonders in terms of me being able to get through it without having to find the light switch and go near the spare room.
So tonight I get into the hallway, the motion light comes on, and the spare room door is open. It was opened by Will earlier on, but he forgot to shut it again. Rather than just a room full of dusty boxes, though, The Woman is standing there. She is lit in a very weird way due to the motion-light hanging low on the hall wall. I was frozen right at the top of the stairs. The Woman moves towards me, loudly rustling the boxes and bags stacked up in the spare room as she does.
So I scream a lot and try to run back into the bedroom, popping my hip slightly out, and I land on the bed and continue to make a lot of noise. She doesn’t follow me any further, but, the damage is done.
So Will had to escort me past the room and wait while I got down the stairs. Here I am with my heart going a mile a minute and some very painful legs. I’m flinching at every sound that I can hear. Will wants me to climb back up the stairs within the hour but I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I am tired of living like this. I know she’s not real, and I don’t know why I saw her. Maybe it’s because I was stressed earlier. Maybe it’s for no reason at all. I turn 28 this year and I should not be seeing imaginary people in my house. I have been a diagnosed Psychotic for 7 years now and this should not still be happening.
Life should not be a horror movie within the walls of my own home. I know the outside world is bad, but this house is mine, nobody can come in here if I don’t want them to, unless they fancy a good stabbing. But this woman thinks she can just come in and float around without consequence.
And I know, she doesn’t actually think, because she is not real. But it feels like she does think, that she thinks of places and times to appear in ways that will unsettle me the most. I know it’s not true, but I can’t shake the idea that she plots against me.
I get a chill down my spine when I wonder about what would have happened if I hadn’t fled. What would my hallucination of her actually have done if she got up close to me? In the past, when things have been bad enough for me to think I was actually being attacked by the thing I was hallucinating, it turns out I was wounding myself, but honestly believing it was being done by someone else. Will has put up with a lot over the years. Living with someone who slashes the shit out of themselves and screams that it is being done by some clawed thing only they can see, is not easy.
What if he comes home one day and I’ve cut my own throat, but I died in terror honestly thinking that she was doing it to me? I don’t want to die like that. Will pointed out how close I came to falling down the stairs tonight, I probably would have imagined that she pushed me.
Sometimes I worry that she gets inside me and makes me have bad thoughts and feelings. I didn’t see her for a while, recently, and I started to believe that she was living inside me and making me angry, that she wanted to use my body so she could kill someone. But now I’ve felt more generally positive, I am seeing her outside me again. Maybe she wants to get back in.
Even though she’s also, simultaneously, not even real.