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Grief is killing me

It hurts so much . Time does nothing but I think I always knew this.

I think, surely I shouldn’t still cry so much. When you think about the same thing all the time, it should lose the ability to make you cry, through repeated exposure. But not with Freya and Joop. I have cried every day since Freya died.

I just need to see her again and tell her I still love her. I can still remember how it feels to touch her face and her neck floof and to put my arms around her. I need to cradle Joop in my hands and tell him I love him and I’m sorry and I should have done something, anything, when the lock on his tank broke, I should have put him in my bedroom, anything.

The end of September was the anniversary of the miscarriage, and then we found out Freya was dying at the beginning of October. I think my crying has actually gone up since we’ve entered the time. I want to be excited for Halloween again after a rough couple of years, but I don’t think I can. The air is so heavy with sadness.

And I have another worry. I will just paste what I wrote in Discord already:

“Also I’m getting super anxious and emotional about Halloween because I don’t want Freya and Joop to move on. (In case this makes no sense it’s kind of a traditional belief, at least in my family, that the dead hang about until the next Samhain, where they can say goodbye and go. They don’t HAVE to go, and they could come back at other Halloweens to see you, or they could go onto another life etc.)

I know they have to move on if that’s what they want but the idea is honestly devastating to me. It feels like they are around even though I can’t interact with them. When we die I want us to see them again. I’m afraid that won’t happen if they move on. And I can’t even talk about this to anyone because saying “I’m crying because I’m scared my dead pets will be a different kind of dead after Halloween” is a stretch even for religious people.”

Nothing has ever hurt like this hurts me. I think it’s because pains from before my life with Will are pushed so far down, I don’t let myself think about them in order to function. But I don’t want to have to not think about Freya and Joop. I’m trying to change my approach to grief from now on, but it’s killing me. And I’ve realised I’m going to feel this way for as long as I live. I miss you both so much.

If anyone knows what the song at this timestamp is, please tell me, it’s been in my head for a year.

Edit: Thanks to my husband I found out the song is “Streetlight On A Dark Road” by Kevin MacLeod, but I think in my head it’ll always be the “Sad Freya Song.”