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I won’t be updating this website for a while

I’m ill and it’s crunch time. I just can’t keep up with much of an internet presence at the moment. It sucks because this is a self-hosted site that costs money but it feels like such a heavy obligation to update it at the moment, even though I barely do it, it’s just too much right now.

I’ve had some bad medical results recently but they are to be expected, and I’m actually lucky that I’m getting them so soon in testing instead of it taking years as it does for others. It’s all one massive cockup though and should have been spotted a decade ago, especially as my then-GP thought I had Addison’s disease, the literal opposite of Cushing’s, but never thought of Cushing’s itself. It’s a failure that has caused irreversible damage to various parts of my body.

I was at an appointment the other day and I noticed in actual not-inside-my-house lighting that I am so orange. At home I assumed I’d just tanned a bit from garden time but seeing myself in actual light shows that I am a fucking unnatural colour, pretty sure it’s my liver going.

I cannot describe how tired I am and how genuinely close to death I feel. There is absolutely no hyperbole here. I’m not going to see anyone for the foreseeable future because not only do I look absolutely hideous but I just do not have the mental threshold to talk to people, doesn’t matter how well-meaning they are, I am just so tired.

And a benefit of stepping back from this will be ignoring people who clearly don’t like me, showing up and leaving their IP address all over here for ????? reasons. It’s not a secret that as the website owner, I can see people’s IPs and devices and locations, so you’d think that people who dislike me would be smart enough to stay away. It’s not because they care about me or want to fix anything. I am notoriously soft, if anyone sincerely came to me and said they wanted to start over again, I’d say sure. There’s exactly three people in the world I wouldn’t offer this to: my stalker and my parents. So there’s no reason for anyone to behave so weirdly, but at least I won’t have to look at it if I’m not on here.

I am going to be in bed for the foreseeable future and only pour my effort into Twitch. Even that is really tiring so I’m not sure how long that can last either. People who love me know where I can be found if I’m needed.

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