Repression

Posted On February 15, 2019

Hey it’s ya girl Letti.

Apparently people still look up my website even if I don’t post on it or share it anywhere, so I feel like I should write something on here.

I feel like posting normal blogs betrays the way I actually feel about how life is going. I still feel weird, like I’m not really here, like I should have died, and maybe I did die. I’m going through the motions of life but I find myself either feeling numb and weird or just overwhelming sad, even if I don’t always know why. So, obviously, I’m still having a lot of mental health problems. I could rehash why, but I feel like I’ve done that enough.
There’s a point when talking about it stops feeling cathartic, and people don’t really hear me when I speak anyway.

I had to go down to Junction Road for a mental health assessment a while ago, can’t remember if I wrote about that before, they talked about counselling but I mentioned how physically hard it was for me to get out of the house and that Will has to take days of holiday to get me to appointments, and that happens often enough already.

Even before I attempted suicide I knew that my mental health had been going badly downhill again since June, I even said to Will, I think I need counselling but we haven’t got the time to take me. It’s a problem I can’t fix because I can’t get myself around.
And eventually it got so bad that the obvious happened.

I think my mood is just plateauing at the moment. Not quite in the depths of suicidality but still miserable and not looking at ascending any time soon.
And it’s almost March, so, I think I might take another dip. I just don’t really know how to get through.

Anyway, instead of counselling they’ve suggested I go to something called the Recovery College. It basically seems to be sitting in Andover Baptist Church for 6 hours at a time listening to someone talk about life concepts that should be obvious. I don’t know if I should take the opportunity to do it anyway. But again, it’s a lot of time off work for Will, and he will be very bored sat next to me there. I need a PA really but who the hell can afford one.

I know I can do whatever I want on my own website, but I kind of feel like I should stop talking about my mental health anyway. I think maybe it just makes people look at me differently. But it also feels so forced to write about normal things as if I’m fine. But I think it’s time to do it.

In physical terms, I have no idea about blood test results and how my organs are doing because, as usual, nobody has called us about anything. I’ll ask Will to call at some point but there’s been a lot going on.
I’m sure they look down on me discharging myself early but I still need to know what’s going on.

So here are some recent things that are not mental breakdowns.

This thing never seems to go below 0 even when weather reports say we are. Warmth coming from the house might affect it I suppose it.

Finally sorting out a passport in my married name. It’s expensive!

Worked out the transliteration of my name in Hebrew in case I need to write it on a visa. Did the Cyrillic underneath because I’m better at that.

Practising tying a shawl as a tichel before I go to Jerusalem.

Will made hot dogs at the SuperBowl. Kadek’s feet and Rob are visible to the right.

A warehouse in Andover was on fire but I only found out when I saw this.

Used a low shampoo (effectively co-washing) and got really tight curls again.

Using shampoo makes everything much looser.

My watch copes like this when Kadek sends me an emoji.

This is what my phone case looks like now because I caved and got a Popsocket. But dang, it’s really good for taking pictures and typing with one thumb, you don’t need to have your whole hand across the back of the phone to hold it. I still have a phone sling on it with a Lemongrab keyring my sister gave me.

First Valentine’s Day as husband and wife. You can’t see them, but I’m wearing heart-shaped earrings.

This mini candle plate from Tesco perfectly fits a pillar candle made years ago.

I should probably get round to changing the music I have in the sidebar, but effort.

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