Disengaging
I am going to let my social media die and also probably stop blogging so much. I might still put up some of the posts on topics that have been planned for a while, but I probably won’t link it to social media. If you want to follow my blog you’ll have to press one of the buttons in the sidebar because I give up on sharing it.
There are a couple of reasons for this which I guess I may as well go into.
- The first thing is, that somebody told my dad how to find me.
It was literally impossible for this to be an accident and I am incredibly angry. Letti is actually a nickname for my full first name, and not a very common one (most people who find out my full name can’t figure out where the “Letti” cognate comes from until I point it out), and I changed my surname almost a decade ago when my parents divorced, to one from my mum’s ancestry.
My dad would almost definitely not know that name, and even if he did, he wouldn’t know that was the one I’d chosen or the nickname I used with it. Somebody told him.
The weirdest part of all is that he tried to contact me via Instagram, a thing that he definitely wouldn’t know how to use, and even if he did, he wouldn’t think to type my name into it. Someone obviously sent it to him because it’s the only publicly-viewable account I have that you can actually message me on.
I’ve seen screenshots of things he’s said about me on social media and they piss me off for several reasons. He seems to assume that the only reason I don’t speak to him is because he split up with my mother, which is so fucking absurd I don’t even know where to begin. He seems to forget that I’m not close with her either and she did plenty of horrible things of her own. Their divorce was just a catalyst for getting out from under his name.
I thought long and hard about listing all the things my dad ever did to me.
But I don’t think I can do it and he’d probably take it as a win if he made me write so much about him.
Sometimes I still wonder what he’d think of the latest action film or if we’re playing the same videogames or what he thinks of how the Resident Evil franchise has gone. But I cut those thoughts off very quickly because they are painful and they are questions that can never be asked.
Probably the least damaging thing my parents ever did was fail to notice my Autism (my brother was already diagnosed whereas I wasn’t until I was about 20), and my dyscalculia. It caused irreversible damage to assume for so long that I was interacting normally with people, and to find out so late that I will never be able to interpret their signals and their mannerisms because my brain is constructed so differently.
To cut a long story short, I am estranged from my dad for good reason and it is not a secret. The person who took it upon themselves to try and put my dad back in my life, is not only a Grade A cunt with the audacity to think they know what is good for me, but is also someone who has broken the very last of my spirit.
I am really in no mood to talk about my life online anymore, I can’t trust anybody not to pass it on and clearly I got far too confident when I thought I could get an Instagram account of all things.
2. Nobody wants to hear from me online anyway.
The other day, somebody wrote a status on Facebook. It was along the lines of “Has anybody [done this thing].” So I left a comment answering. And do you know what happened? The person deleted it.
Because when people ask “Has anybody [thing]” they don’t actually mean anybody, they have specific people in mind that they want to get a reaction from, and those people never include me.
This seemingly innocuous action from somebody actually ruined my entire day and I wound up having a panic attack before we went out for dinner with Ben, I didn’t want to make anybody look at me or deal with the fact that I exist.
It suddenly made me realise how little point there is in me expressing my thoughts on the internet, because nobody gives any shits. They’d probably delete all my statuses if they could. Nothing that happens in my brain is of value to anybody.
3. I don’t actually have any friends.
I thought I did, I thought maybe the fact that I’d moved away made me feel more alone than I actually was and I was being irrational about perceived coldness. But then in the middle of the year I found out that everyone told Kadek they hated me. And I said, before acting on it, I’d see how they were towards me at Faff’s birthday this year. And then I didn’t get invited at all, so that answered that!
Apparently they never actually elaborated on why they hate me so I just have to assume it’s about some characteristic pertaining to me. Or the fact that I just stopped being a doormat when someone said some shit about me that wasn’t cool.
I’m difficult to get on with because I don’t keep my mouth shut. I draw attention to the bad thing that somebody just said right in front of me, I don’t let the conversation move on until they explain themselves. I am shy in many regards but I can still raise my voice in a room full of people if somebody makes an inappropriate “joke” about me being a cripple or a kike. You get very unpopular when you don’t let people walk all over you for their own amusement.
Sorry, but I don’t want friendships that survive by the skin of their teeth as long as you don’t challenge anybody about anything. Which means that I currently have none of them.
So yeah. I guess I’m just gonna keep to myself.