Self-hate: September edition
Put simply, we’ve found out that our scales are useless. I started noticing that you could move them over slightly and they’d give you a number that was sometimes 30lbs different to the one you just got. Which is really substantial. I settled it once and for all by showing Will the scale in different parts of the room and the wildly different results it gave me. It’s now downstairs on the kitchen floor, which seems to be the hardest and flattest of the house, but frankly I’m still not sure it’s perfect.
I’m not sure the scale has ever been correct. There were times two houses ago when I would weigh myself, be proud of what I’d done, then the GP would make me hover on her scale, and I’d have inexplicably gained 2 stone in as many hours. Perhaps the scale has never actually fucking worked all this time.
I thought I had gotten down to 170lbs in weight. I’d been plateauing or having weird spikes which bummed me out, but I was proud that my numbers had gone down even if my body hadn’t changed.
But now it looks like my body never changed because the numbers never did.
The kitchen floor has me at 209lbs. We’re going to get a new scale but basically, it looks like I never lost any weight all this time.
Will disagrees, he says that I have clearly gone 40lbs down from my starting point, even if it means the number was 40lbs higher than I ever thought it was. I just don’t agree. The highest number I got from that scale was 212lbs and it now has me at 209lbs. I haven’t lost any fucking weight. It’s why my body never changed. He says that I’ve looked slimmer, but I disagree, I just feel like a deluded idiot for thinking I had done anything.
And it’s not like I haven’t worked for it. As well as restricting my food in general, I have starved for entire days at a time, I started abusing laxatives again, I have physically tortured myself in ways I probably shouldn’t describe on the internet. People don’t realise that starving is physically fucking painful on your insides.
If it were up to me, I wouldn’t eat for 2 weeks straight, but I have medication to take (you vomit it without food) and my body is a fan of hypoglycaemic attacks again now.
I just don’t know what I’m going to fucking do. I have multiple issues that contribute to me being fat (meds, polycystic ovaries, lack of being able to move without injury), but surely, if you stop feeding yourself, your body should eat the fat instead? Apparently fucking not.
I feel stupid and embarrassed more than anything. People will either think that I managed to gain a bunch of weight back, or that I just never lost it, whichever is actually true, and both options make me look like a right fucking dick.
The nail in the coffin of any self-esteem I had left, came in the arrival of the Joe Browns catalogue. Their clothes are always so lovely, but they won’t fit me. Every year I tell myself I will be able to have their clothes next year. But the next year comes, and I am still fat, and I miss out on more and more gorgeous designs.
It doesn’t help that there are gaps in Fatsecret, so everyone thinks I am scoffing food and not recording it, when actually it’s always doing shit like this so you can’t record.
It’s not about what other people think though, it’s about what I think. I hate myself more than other people could ever conceive of hating me. I can’t stand to see my body in a mirror.
I’ve seen people say that being overweight is better for Ehlers-Danlos, because the fat is cushioning the joints. I completely disagree. It is extra weight on joints and bones that are already slipping and sliding everywhere. My heart and autonomic nervous system already struggle to keep me going, and there is absolutely no way that 200lbs on top of them is helping.
These are the areas I need urgent liposuction really, but it would cost about £20,000 and they don’t do it on actually fat people anyway, they do it on already-thin people with “troublesome areas.”
You can get surgery on finance, but it already looks like we will have to take out a loan to get me a new transportable powerchair, which will be financially dodgy as hell, so it’s not like I can take out a loan just to get me surgery. It’s all a fucking nightmare.