I am hallucinating again. I had The Intruder last year which it took me a while to get over. I think we’d been moved in at the last house for a while, so I can’t remember what stressed me out enough to cause it. When we first moved in I did hallucinate a white ghostly figure at the end of our garden who would zoom closer if I looked away, which I think was caused by the insecurity of not having a full fence up, but I can’t remember if I wrote about it or not.
When we first moved into this house (and it’s not even a month ago yet!) it didn’t feel “haunted” at all and I was really pleased that I was getting on with it. It hasn’t felt entirely secure, especially not at night, perhaps because I don’t really know Andover.
I’ve been quite stressed anyway and had a bit of a breakdown. Now I’ve started seeing a woman. I think she’s meant to be a ghost. The image at the top of this post is the closest thing I could find to what she looks like on Google Images. She looks less bedraggled, just flowier, and her eyes are bright yellow with bits of green, and there is a defined iris area if you look closely enough, which I don’t recommend.
She sometimes appears with the guttural sound from Ju-On (a.k.a. the death rattle), although she is never visibly making it, and doesn’t resemble Kayako at all. So that’s weird.
My brain tends to pick things from films to hallucinate about. E.g. after watching Oculus I kept seeing the woman with mirrored eyes. She turned out to be played by Kate Siegel who is also in Hush, and loving the actress has probably contributed to the fact that I don’t see the mirror-eyed woman around anymore.
A previous woman I have hallucinated in my house and garden.
Anyway, normally The Woman is just loitering about in the spare room or in the upstairs hallway, handily on the end where the light switch is, of course. I have seen her in my peripheral vision when riding from the lounge to the kitchen in my chair, but I don’t look directly up at her.
Unfortunately, each sighting made me more anxious about possible subsequent sightings, and so things ramped up in the last couple of days.
I was sitting on the bed after a bath when I heard the weird guttural noise. I knew it wasn’t real in the first place because, you know, I could hear it. It got louder and louder and sounded like it was coming from under the bed. Then I felt what I was pretty sure were fingers wrapping around my left ankle. I sat there but I called Will, and obviously he didn’t see anything holding my leg because he would have said so (you’d hope, anyway). And when I got up, the feeling of the fingers didn’t come with me.
Last night I got out of bed because I needed to pee. It was all going well until I was at the sink. I turned around to dry my hands, and I could hear the plughole making a weird gurgling noise. Again, it was weird because I could hear it and I can’t hear under 70dB. It got louder until I realised it wasn’t the sink, it was the death rattle. And then she was there, in the peripheral vision on my right side. A big dark shape. I didn’t want to look directly at her because I knew what her eyes looked like and it was just going to make it worse.
I stood there gripping the radiator as if it was going to keep me alive, and I shouted for Will until he came to get me. And then I was crying and shouting something about how loud she was, and he wanted me to look at the bathroom to prove there was nothing in there, which obviously doesn’t work if I am actively seeing somebody in there but I’m guessing he’s never hallucinated before. When I did peer round after the noise stopped, she wasn’t stood in there but I could see her face in the small round mirror on the side of the bath. As if she was actually in it rather than being reflected in it. So we went to bed and I hid in the covers and cried for a while.
Today when I used the mirror to apply make-up for going out with Will, it had a crack right across it horizontally, where her eyes would have been last night. Will says the crack happened when he accidentally knocked the mirror into the bath while I was showering, but when we picked it up at the time, we saw that it was fine. When he handed it to me this morning, he said “Oh, it did get a crack in it after all.”
After all means it definitely wasn’t there originally. I know that The Woman is not real but the mirror thing is not motherfucking helping.
I think this will get worse before it gets better, because it usually does.
Psychotic episodes tend to come during periods of great stress. Which is why people with less room for stress are the ones who end up with Psychosis. I already don’t have a lot of room for stress, with PTSD. People seem to forget about the SD part of the acronym which is for Stress Disorder. I already do not handle stress well. I already have constant feelings of vigilance and vulnerability, and have to think about the possible outcomes of every little situation, as well as all the outcomes from all the outcomes. I do not have room for extra stress, I get the overspill, like this diagram.
Fuck you Person B, normal members of the population who can get pissed off without seeing yellow-eyed women in your houses.
I think this all might have started with a weird dream I had a couple of weeks ago while napping in the daytime. It was about an evil ghost woman who was somehow dwelling in our new doorbell receivers, which is just a bizarre idea. I can’t remember how it all went, but I know it frightened me a lot and I actually woke up shouting “You evil bitch!” and frightened my poor dog.