I don’t know whether I’m coming or going
I think I am having a nervous breakdown. An acute period of mental illness separated from long-term depression and psychosis. I’ve had them before, I get a tell-tale feeling, kind of like being at the most stressed it’s possible to be and then just plunging into despair.
I love our new house, but I think all the stuff associated with having to move up here was just really stressful. It’s something that we needed to do and I’m glad to be here, but there are still things that suck and they wear me down.
This past week I’ve just had no idea whether I’ve been coming or going, as the phrase goes. Having a lot of alcohol probably doesn’t help, but, I started drinking more because I already felt that way when I was sober, and I thought it might make it easier. I was wrong.
I just never seem to know what I am doing, and can’t seem to think actions through when I would normally be quite hypervigilant about things. I can’t follow simple instructions without getting upset and I have even less energy than usual. I do stupid things and literally AS I’m doing them, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. Everything is just a huge bummer.
Late this evening everything turned into misery, and then I started crying because I cut my finger. Even though I put a fun plaster on it, I just stared at it and cried. It’s 1 in the morning and I am crying. I don’t think it’s really about the finger, though.
I just wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this way all my life.