Hello everybody I’m in a bad place because today is the anniversary of something that absolutely fucking kills me and I hate everything.
I feel actually quite tipsy which I don’t know if it’s because I won’t eat until later or because mental health crisis. I hate having to jump through the painful hoop of getting through this month every year.
This day is already absolutely horrible and there is no way it can get any better. My partner was short with me as soon as we woke up, even though he knows what fucking day it is, and he refused to take an envelope with him that I literally stayed up printing for and packing because there is a strict deadline on when it has to be in the post. I won’t bore you with details but let’s just say I could get a financial penalty of about £600 if this doesn’t arrive by Saturday. And he’s like, no, I’m not taking this with me and I’m not going to do it on the way home either.
OK THANKS EVEN THOUGH I WAS UP WORKING ON IT LAST NIGHT BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT LITERALLY HAD TO GO INTO A POST BOX THIS MORNING OK THAT’S FINE.
Like seriously what the fuck. Why didn’t I just go to bed if it was going to be stuck in my house for another day. THERE IS A REASON I DIDN’T like fucking Jesus Christ.
I fucking hate relying on someone else for the tiniest thing including posting an envelope. There are so many things I’ve wanted to embark on, but someone says no, so they never happen. I am a fucking prisoner here. I CAN’T EVEN POST AN ENVELOPE no matter how much fucking trouble I’m going to be in for not doing it.
Oh and guess what my weight hasn’t budged in a fucking month even though I’ve been working my ass off. Calories in, calories out is a thing, and yet how can I possibly have more calories coming in than are going out, I have stopped fucking eating. I eat once a day now and it’s whatever Will makes for dinner, there is no fucking way that each dinner contains more than 1800 calories which is apparently my basal rate or whatever it’s called. Most of the ingredients of everything have been replaced with fucking broccoli and it is just fucking torturing me that nothing is happening. I swear to fucking God I am not putting calories in. Why won’t my body eat the fat. It’s killing me.
And it’s been nearly a year since I tried to kill myself because of a group of people who make me feel like fucking shit and I’m having a lot of feelings about that right now. Trying to avoid the internet while I feel them but whoops here I go blogging again.
Apparently you’re meant to “never give up on your friends” even if they make you want to die with all the shit they pull. The onus is on you to coddle them about the fact that they make you want to commit suicide. The onus is on you to be the flattest, quietest doormat for their disability discrimination and racist bullshit.
I just fucking cannot.
I wanted to die AT an event that I got so much fucking grief for wanting to be at. I didn’t know what the fuck else to do. I was going to climb out of the bathroom window and smash my skull on the fucking patio. Only the window didn’t look how I remembered and I’m so physically fucking inept that I couldn’t fucking do it.
And later on someone was like “lol I heard you drop your cane in the bath while you were in the bathroom.” Lolololol pretty sure that was me trying to jump from your 2nd floor bathroom lololololfuckinglol.
TL;DR this day is fucking foul and horrible and I should have been dead for a year already.