I wrote in another post recently about attempting to kill myself. I had felt suicidal recently but didn’t do anything about it because I know that I never succeed at attempts. I have tried most things. Then I got overwhelmed again this past week and did actually make an attempt. I mentioned using a razor blade but that wasn’t all I did.
I took this photo at the time in case I survived and nobody took seriously what I actually did to myself.
That is my actual skin. I won’t tell you what I used to do that because it’s very painful and I honestly shouldn’t encourage it.
I did use a razor blade down the middle of my arm at first, then I did the above in an attempt to create an opening that would definitely not coagulate. I seemed to actually cauterise it more though and after a few hours it became quite apparent that I wasn’t going to bleed enough.
I did hit the vein and I’ve had some bruising from that but it just wasn’t enough. I’m not sure if I’ve snagged a tendon as well because I’ve had some difficulty with arm movement and a weird stretched feeling when moving my hand and fingers.
The problem with surviving suicide attempts is that everyone thinks you are an inept idiot and that you didn’t try hard enough to damage yourself, when I actually really did.
You have to live with a lot of mixed thoughts afterwards. Stuff like, oh I’m so glad to be alive so I can throw myself into these mundane house things, followed by I can’t believe I’m still alive and aware of all this shit going on. I can’t believe I almost did that to my partner, immediately followed by I can’t believe I’m still here ruining everything for my partner and dog.
I’m having a weird time. We’re having a BBQ for Freya’s birthday and I’m going to try and enjoy that because I love my dog so much. But I’m very overwhelmed.
The wound is oozing quite a lot as well as being blistered, I don’t have any proper bandages in at the moment but I am using antiseptic wipes, opened out and held down with medical tape as a sort of barrier because brushing against stuff is painful and leaking on things is sort of gross.
A pretty gruesome thing happened in the shower as well. I pressed the orange fluid out of the blisters and then sprayed them with the shower, painful but necessary. However, the blisters kept painfully stretching and were somehow filling up with clear shower water which wound up looking white. So I then had to press shower water out from inside my wound and that was honestly pretty bizarre.
Everything is bizarre right now.