Overgrown

At the weekend Will’s family came up and we went out to the lakes. I hadn’t been down there for a while so I was surprised at how much everything had bloomed and become overgrown in the summer heat. One of the lakes was completely filled with 10ft reeds, you couldn’t see the water at all and I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody just plain strolled in there.

Freya has a weird relationship with water but she actually played in one of the lakes with Ozzy and that was really nice.

In floorplanning terms I exported a bunch of images and have done more stuff but rather than taking a billion screenshots I have just figured out how to embed the plan. It only seems to show the version with colour here, which makes it hard to read the little notes in places unless you zoom in really close.

https://plus.floorplanner.com/projects/48277576-house-office/viewer

Again, I don’t know why there is no 3-pane window showing on the bathroom. It just won’t do it.

I don’t know why that sink is in the air but it’s really annoying.

It’s another general election, which is an absolute nightmare. I know that elections bring weird feelings out of people but it just feels like constant hate and disdain coming towards me. If someone had just posted “The way Jeremy talks about Jewish people is unacceptable, but we have to get the Tories out of government first and work from there,” I’d feel so much better about the whole thing. But nobody did say that.
If he said the same words about Muslims he would have been destroyed, but the fact is that he said them about Jews and so everyone can stretch to the ends of the earth to make allowances. “The media” is accused of “blaming everything on Corbyn” even though they are talking about things that he actually did do and say, I have never seen this level of cognitive dissonance from the people around me before and it’s fucking terrifying. But fear eventually turns to despair at how little value my life has. I tried to kill myself with a razor blade yesterday. I knew it was useless as I was doing it and I can never bleed for long enough. So today I’m sat here with a stinging arm knowing that the election outcome will condemn me no matter what. I have no hope. Either the Tories win again and I carry on being despised by the public for being disabled and we have much less money to make a life with. Or, Labour wins and I watch more and more anti-Jewish thought filter into mainstream consciousness, despite the fact that nobody even knows anything about our religion because we don’t proselytise and we keep to ourselves. Everyone just knows that they hate us.
We’re the easiest target in the world, 0.1% of the world’s people, a tiny group of insular weirdos that nobody understands, the easiest people to pin the world’s problems on.

If the worst comes to the worst I’ll be trying to get onto a plane to Israel with the money I don’t have, and God knows how my poor dog will handle that. There are pretty much daily terrorist attacks and rocket firings into Israel but it still feels like a safer place to be than England does.

A lovely image from the Daily Stormer, the Neo-Nazi site.

And again.

I know what hate looks like. I have an in-built instinct for recognising when somebody wants me to die for something about me (aside from in the glaringly obvious ways above). My family saw hate in Brittany, Bosnia, and Mandatory Palestine, when Islamist violence forced my Arab grandmother to flee. My family have been raped and butchered and massacred. I have heard stories that I cannot bear to repeat aloud, but I repeat them in my head quite a lot. The whole point of the family heading towards England was that the same things wouldn’t happen to future generations, but I can see them coming. And the worst thing about it is that everyone around me quietly accepts it. They are not the target, after all.

I’m probably going to die. But the weekend was nice.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s