Pain

I know where my kidneys and my liver are because I can feel them stinging. I had bloods taken for a liver function panel recently but I don’t know the results yet. I was poked so much when I was in the hospital that I was able to sit up when getting blood drawn and not feel too bad.
I don’t know how much my kidneys are being looked at but I do know that my pee is regularly a dark reddy-brown and there is visible body tissue in it. Plus they hurt all the damn time. I am so tired.

My weight has ballooned again and can go up and down by several pounds in a day, a lot of it might be fluid that my body doesn’t know what to do with, but who knows since my eating goes more and more off the rails as I lose more of my mind.

 

And I can’t talk to anybody about this because I did it to myself. I took 16g of paracetamol and this is what happens when you do that.

But I didn’t want any of this, I wanted to be dead, or at least irrevocably unconscious before any of this happened. I wasn’t meant to be aware of Will finding me or of going to the hospital. Definitely didn’t think I’d be awake for having a horrible drug pumped into my veins and then firing from three orifices in gross hospital toilets. I was supposed to be gone. Dead and gone.

I would have been cremated by now, I would have ceased to take up space save for in a tiny urn on my husband’s desk. My best friend/girlfriend/woman-I-continually-fuck-things-up-with could have taken some of me to scatter in Jerusalem on a trip that would have been much less stressful without me.
My husband’s social life would have already returned to normal because I wouldn’t be around for his friends to continually hate me no matter how hard I tried.

 

This is like being around for my own wake. Seeing how little impact I made and seeing how things could only have improved if I’d actually died. I’m in some kind of limbo where I’m alive and dead at the same time. I feel like things are carrying on without me and people give no shits, but at the same time, I’m stuck here. I’m just not a part of it anymore.

 

I feel like I watched myself die but my shallow, hateful consciousness is still stuck in my corpse, watching all the things I wanted to stop watching.